November 30, 2005
It's not my attitude you can't handle; it's my look. The ending was less positive than I had expected. For all that has been preached, it's how it's been ended that serves as yet another piece of evidence of inconsistency and NATO-ness. Shouldn't any self-respecting and intelligent management know better than to allow people to leave in such a cold and unfeeling manner? Would that be a smart thing to do for the morale of the people who are staying behind?
Is it because I get a (miserable, if you think about it) remuneration? That justifies that the moment I have decided to leave is the moment all my past contribution will be diminished to nothing and that all the 'investment' in me have gone down the drain? Is it because for all those training sessions that I sat through, no matter with a tired brain and body or not, someone somewhere has paid much money for it? And my remuneration makes my working to the best of my capability and all the extra time I put in, after work hours, an obligation on my part? In fact, have I unwittingly exchanged all my time, and all my capacity for absolute devotion to my work for those monthly credits into my account and all those necessary and redundant training sessions? And because I stopped wanting to continue, there is nothing left, not even for a cordial and polite goodbye?
If moving on is believed to be my mistake, I think the mistake is committed just at the right time. One year more will definitely be one year too long and too late.
It's an irony that the 'family' has such low regard for relationships. It's an irony that cynical attitude is the main brew of what you are doing and yet, you advise someone against her most classical, cynical look. Maybe you are just deemed out of control and insecure when it comes to what a mother gives to her child at birth.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 10:36
November 26, 2005
My anata...... is becoming a fixture, a part of my house, specifically my bedroom.
... just had her hair dyed to dark brown by ME! It's my first time!!! And, it's fabulously beauti-full! Really!
... is coughing a little. Right after I just recovered from mine.
... is supposed to come out with a list of things that I can do when I'm gainfully employed as her personal assistant.
... is wearing her bright green Nike t-shirt and her orange OP berms now. She's hungry, or restless.
That's it! We are going for dinner!
p.s. I would learn to cook really, really awesome pasta Aglio Olio! Yummy~~~ I think pasta vongole too! *slurp~~~*
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 17:36
The agenda is to LIVE.I'm usually ok with 1 month or two of zhuo-bo-ing lifestyle. How I usually spend my time:
1. Meet up with friends over lunch, lunch time 12-2pm. Cos they are working! Muahaha!
2. Take walks (fav are along Singapore River, Esplanade, big and empty shopping centre - shouldn't be difficult cos most other shoppers are working, muahaha!)
3. Do some volunteer work (used to help out in a childcare over vacation)
4. Go to the bookstores or libraries - READ!!! I really must catch up on one of my fav past time!
5. Tuition, still.
6. Do some exercise.
7. Prepare for CNY!!!
8. Read Today and write on my blog!
Honestly, you'd be surprised how time just flies past! And as you can tell, the above actually does not induce spending a lot of money, except for the CNY spree.
The time that I get restless and in need of something to do will likely coincide with the time that my bank account runs dangerously dry. So, that's when I should get employed again.
I think it's wonderful timing to plan in this way. That explains why I never get stressed by unemployment and why I can leave a job quite resolutely before I find any replacement.
And well, it was a planned decision. So... should I become desperate, the plan-Z lies in www.moe.edu.sg
Cest la vie~
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 17:19
Track 4I didn't think that it was very professional to instill (or in my case, even try to instill) guilt on somebody whose decision went in the opposite direction as you hoped. I didn't even think it was professional to bring up the past to attempt to prevent that from happening.
I came out of the conference room, feeling...
1. unjustified
2. undignified
3. slightly shocked
4. slightly relieved
5. disappointed
because
1. I think everyone of us have been contributing to the best of their capabilities even as we receive and are invested upon.
2. I don't know, too, if people my age are close to being ingrates and self-centred; I know that it was uncalled for to even try extrapolating this impression from me.
3. I was expecting more respect, more recognition and more encouragement.
4. I needed to know the end and when exactly it will be, even if it was earlier than I had hoped.
5. With all goodwill, I wanted to leave on a positive note. But, I walked out of that door, feeling very neutral and maybe even disappointed that while I'm trying to balance and respect everyone involved, my decision was not being understood and ( I would say) dismissed as unconvincing.
Whatever it is...
Hey people! The good news is, I will be happily unemployed starting from December 2005! Honestly, I don't know what's with people when they say they find it very difficult to leave a job even though the job makes living miserable. Especially those that have no immediate mouths to feed.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 17:02
November 21, 2005
Duplicating a management styleMet up with Junhao for some tea @ Holland V. He said that someone at work told him that the whole idea of boss-worker relationship is that there is too much work for the boss to handle by himself. Hence, he needs a worker to help him out. And because he would have done it himself if he could, he would expect that his worker works the same way as him. And that meant that all bosses sorta attempt to duplicate their working style by imposing them upon those working under him. It's a bit like, say, cloning many of themselves to do the job because there wasn't enough time to finish what they wanted to do.
Makes absolute sense. Little wonder many bosses are pretty screwed up themselves and then, by attempting to duplicate their own style in their workers, end up screwing everyone up too.
All for the sake of bread.
xxx
The ground has risenI couldn't resist laughing when I told him that I found him to be more mature now than, say, earlier this year. He's 3 years older than me.
But, it's true. I thought that he sounded more in control, more aware of the big picture that I think has always been there. I guess the past year has been a kind of transition year for him, having just returned from a year in Germany and having to settle in a much more structured country that obviously didn't have enough time and resources for carnivals and long-distance cycling and blading.
He laughed too, after I told him how I felt. He said he was not telling a joke. I know he's not. But it was funny. An irony in the bittersweet living in Singapore.
xxx
This is where nonsense sprout noI meant what I said here. So, it's true. I AM seeing a girl. Here, she's referred to as Ah Girl, or simply girl.
Half a year or so. Don't know exactly when it began, don't care too. As happy as half a year ago, if not happier. So, this is it ok! I was not in rebound or in a difficult and rebellious stage of my life. I am still in that cynical stage of my life, that started many years back.
Actually, it just got that bit less cynical. Or maybe I just didn't care anymore.
xxx
All that f-l-i-r-t-i-n-gIs not good. But comes quite naturally. So, if that's unintentional, do you still call it flirting?
Whatever it is, verbal reminders have been given. No. In fact, theory of mind has been taught in this aspect.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 09:02
November 11, 2005
|-_-|``It's 7.35 a.m. Girl said she went to bed at 10.35p.m. yesterday. Yes, while I was still blogging here, she has alreaddy gone to sleep.
And I waited for her call (or even a sms) till 11.15p.m., dozed off on my bed, woke up at 11.30p.m, checked my mobile to see if I had missed her call, decided to message her that I was going to bed and would talk to her tomorrow. The time I slept yesterday? 11.35p.m.
See... such is when reality fails to meet expectation.
Next time, I should just dive straight into bed.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 07:35
November 10, 2005
Jann ArdenCJ said she was insensitive because she asked about her boyfriend and her when auntie was there. Well, auntie didn't know who was 'he' and to begin with, auntie probably couldn't catch on to what we were saying since we were not speaking in Mandarin.
But, CJ commented to me that she was insensitive.
Regarding that, my pov is that if I were the one asking the questions, CJ might have taken it more positively. She just enjoys teasing and complaining about girl.
Then, just awhile ago, she asked me to help her remember a phone number. Actually, it's no big deal remembering phone numbers. I don't usually have problem remembering numbers anyway.
Just that, tonight was not the night. Cos I was coughing quite a bit, and talking was already a small feat in itself. So, I wanted to know what number was it. Cos honestly, if it's something not urgent, I probably would have told her to do it tomorrow or write down somewhere. It's no big deal, right?
But she said it was a girl's. To be specific, it was the number of her x-gf. My first reaction? I asked if she was mad, asking me to remember the number of her x-gf for her. Ok, maybe I didn't just ask. I asked in a rather loud and accusing manner. *shrugs*
She quickly gave additional information. A friend asked her for the number and she was just trying to remember the number (using my memory space) and sms it to that friend. Reasonable. I really shouldn't get upset over something as trivial as this. It's kinda ridiculous, isn't it?
She said she could sense that I was upset. Logical or illogical, I guess I was.
I was upset because I thought it was rather insensitive. Insensitive that she so matter-of-factly asked my help to remember a xgf's number. It's kind of strange, at least to me. 'Cos if I were her, I would just jot down somewhere or do it later, after I finished talking on the phone with my partner. Unless the number is a matter of life and death, I don't see why it can't wait that bit more. I wonder if I would ever tell my partner to help me remember something about my xbf.
But, I was more upset because I raised my voice at her. Knowing that my girl is the unassuming and occasionally forgetful kind, I know she really didn't see it as something that will cause a negative reaction.
We've had little hiccups here and there. But, I'm proud to say that we've never let it go under the carpet thus far. There were times even I surprised myself.
So... no exception this time. Because, that little pod brain of hers will start thinking silly thoughts if it's left to continue feeling sorry for what she did. And, in the end, the patient in me (I'm still on cough medication) will have to call upon Doc Chua.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 22:12
November 09, 2005
She said he's not romantic.I was so thrilled. Still am, to learn that CJ has found someone. Or, is it the other way round?
Honestly, it took me like 0.5 sec to register that it's CJ and her bf! After that, a mushroom of questions sprung up in my mind. Like, when did it started, how did it start, what happened in the very beginning, what was it that they like about each other, etc...
Some of these questions, I asked. Some, I didn't. But, a budding romance is always something to be happy about and well, sweet. No matter the answers to all the queries, it will take a lot on both sides to make a relationship work. So, gambatte, my dear! haha... Not that I think you are madly in love with him first. But, well, since already made a decision, why not make the best out of it?! Ya!
Besides, the neo-print was really sweet. Girl commented to me that we haven't taken any neo-prints that sweet yet. I think CJ has put a lot of ideas into my girl's head. Tsk...
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 21:23
Saving Face - The movieWatched that with girl yesterday. I just happened to see this show while browsing for the showtimes for The Exorcism of Emily Rose. Seemed interesting, so we decided to go ahead with this first.
Good show. I liked Michelle Krusiec. She's cool, and she's pretty. Girl thought Lynn Chen was really pretty too. Well, I have to say she is. Just that she's not my kind of 'attractive'. I don't seem to like girls who are the likes of Lynn Chen. Ok, lemme clarify a bit more. What I meant was, I don't think girls who look like that are really pretty-pretty. Somehow, I feel they look a bit porcelain, a bit flawless pretty and therefore, not pretty. If you know what I mean.
Anyway, Joan Chen was really good too. Aging beautifully. And the character she played was quite an interesting one too.
I liked the show. Rather funny too. Girl said I'm beginning to show symptoms of affinity with the queer group. She justified this by saying that I was fated to chance upon this show while looking at the showtimes for another show. Well?
Queer people have queer ideas, like one of the bitches who just flew back to Hong Kong this morning.
xxx
A return full of nonsense and rubbishTake care, FVB. Was very good to see you this time. You always come back at the right time to let me practice my verbal wit. How can I ever be allergic to you?!
Be good. Remember it only takes a one-time eye-witness account for us to remember and gnaw at you for it for the rest of your life, assuming my life is longer than yours. Rather realistic assumption, don't you think?
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 21:10
November 01, 2005
Borders of your worldI honestly do not know what came into them for them to decide the training day tomorrow. Who decided it? Is it just one person, 3 persons or 4 persons? Or more?
When girl told me about it (cos I was on MC on Monday), my reaction could only be 'what the fuck?' But I don't think I said that out. I asked, in my usual rational manner, how about the muslims? They can't possibly attend because it's Hari Raya Eve and they should be entitled to leave early.
At this point in time, let me persist in my bafflement why Muslims and Hindus don't get a half day off when it's the eve of their new year. Why is it that the Chinese get a half day off on Chinese New Year eve? Is it cos we make up almost three-quarters of this nation? Anybody knows the rationale behind this? It's something that will continue to be brushed aside in my grey matter, as it has been since I was in college.
Anyway, coming back to the training day (I really didn't think I'd have this to say of a place whose inspirations and dreams I used to believe in), it's absurd. I told cj that I'm still waiting to find a word that connotates a meaning more ridiculous than the word 'ridiculous'. A word to really sum up all the fuckinglutely absurd and ridiculous things and decisions that have been made, especially in the past month.
Do they not know that we are all rushing and working in the holidays already, to meet the tight deadlines (this, they admitted themselves) for the progress reports? Did they not see that the whole staff of us were bogged down by the setting of the papers, the vetting, the re-setting and the last but not leastly, marking? Do they not hear the quiet sighs that orchestra when they make yet another unrealistic decision and impose the expectations on us? Do they not hear the increased frequency of screaming and the shouts of who they call the most important clients in the past week? Did they not say they want to give us a holiday on Friday and beseeched that we not go back to work on our own and deny this privileged day? Did they truly think we can enjoy this privilege like in the way they self-justified it?
Who was it that sold the IDP in the package of grooming us? Who was it that banked every decision and every expectation on the assumption that we will always support one another, as if the capacity to support is genuine in each and every human being? Who was it that dreamt to give so much, push so much, wanted so much back and in the end, had to swallow the fruits of so many unexpected failures? Who was it that held time up for everyone by a mere desire to perfect an un-perfectable score? Who was it that has dreams so passionate that burnt up all the moments that should have been used to produce even more? Who was it that kept all the big pictures together but allowed the smaller details to fumble and be casted out?
Seriously, the dreams have gotten a bit too big. So big that it has enveloped life, enveloped the reality of the everyday.
If you listen carefully, the morale has sizzled. If you look carefully, the curve of joy is becoming hard-pressed. So many icebergs, they didn't see.
I'm sick of the ridiculous of everything.
xxx
So, why is that borders of your world? Because I think when lots of absurdities are happening around you and you are a carrier of this absurd-virus, and you have no control over the decisions, the outcome, you become a cranky, moody person. Probably a bit disillusioned, a bit jaded and drained of energy and enthusiasm. Yet, wanting to spend energy out, wanting to resist it all. But, can't. Repressed. Yes, that might be the word.
And if it didn't get filtered out, it may spill to other parts of your life, bringing everything else down with it.
I don't know if I make sense.
Not making sense. Symptom one.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 16:51